I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
