I wanna bring you to show and tell
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
