I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
