I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
