My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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