don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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