What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize