Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
