Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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