This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
