somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize