my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
