I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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