at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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