Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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