Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
