Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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