you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
