He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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