Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
