so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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