Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
