Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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