i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I lost the right to judge tonight
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
