Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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