Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Randomize
