the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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