When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She bit a glass in half.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
