I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
