I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
