I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
