I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
