Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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