got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
