dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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