Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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