Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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