yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
