I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
