Michael Bay diarrhea
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
