if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
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