I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
