Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize