So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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