You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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