I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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