I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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