Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
