dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
