i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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