i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
