This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I checked into jail on foursquare
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
