you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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