So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize