the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
