I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
