when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Sorry about my life...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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