So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Randomize
