I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
