maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I have feelings that need drinking.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
