I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
