Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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