if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I want a musical about memes.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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