After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
