I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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