My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize