she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
