walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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