theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
