True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
